Last week saw another tearful post of “why, oh why” from me. I knew I was making a mistake when I posted it, but did not stop myself. I’m forcing myself to live with that mistake, and to learn from it. I know that everyone has bad days, and that the dark moods will get the better of us sometimes. Instead of blogging it, I’m going to use those bad moods and channel them, nay funnel and shepherd them, into my writing. Because I’ve promised to refocus, to concentrate on the writing.
After the misere de guts* of last week, and the sudden onset self-hatred as a result, I picked up a pen, grabbed my notebook and started to scribble. To scrawl. To metaphorically heave my misery guts onto paper, and rediscover the power of writing.
I have to say, I’m a bit shocked by the darkness that came out.
But I know I can go darker, deeper into the cobwebbed corners of my soul, to flush out the inner psycho who resides within.
When I tried to write in that voice on a better day (a day when I didn’t want to listen to The Smiths and The Cure on a repeating loop with a glass of bleach for refreshment), I found it really difficult to tap into Inner Psycho. I knew I had to make myself angry.
I listened to the angriest music I own (not that angry, really) as loud as I could stand it (thankfully, next-door are very nearly deaf, so they didn’t notice a thing), and on my nicotine breaks, I read part of a book that makes me angry whenever I read it, and then came back and scrawled away in my notebook. This Voice does not like keyboard-tappery, so I’ve been writing her long-hand. It feels more visceral, more angry, filled with rage, and a little bit of forensic pre-meditation creeps in while I’m writing. I called myself a “method writer” when I described this endeavour.
Those of you who follow me on Twitter (@LBaumanMilner) or are a friend on Facebook (no link yet – sorry!) will have noticed my updates of getting in touch with my inner psycho. Which led to an illuminating trans-Atlantic discussion of the preferred ink of inner psychos. General consensus is baby panda blood, because we believe that unicorn blood has been trademarked. Where else can you get that kind of creative support?
Just a small insight into the way one writer writes. Now, I’m pushing the keyboard out of the way, cranking up the music, and letting the psycho off her leash. Best lock up any small animals or children… just in case.
* (That’s no French phrase… haven’t a feckin’ clue where that came from… but it makes me laugh, so there it stays.)